People Search Hookups

Let’s have a little chat about the economics of sex. People want a return on their investments. And women, having been sexually and economically repressed for so many years, are particularly weary when it comes to their investments. They want to be sure they will get an excellent return on their stock, and if they find out they aren’t, they’ll pull out as quickly and smoothly as possible.

This means men must be able to perform well. They must be able to give. Because when she’s searching hookups, she’s not just looking for beauty, she’s looking for generosity and performance. Now, when I say performance, I don’t mean endurance or style, I mean, more or less, how talented you are with your tongue and your fingers, and how good you are at taking directions. When I say generosity, I mean how willing you are to give at least the equivalent of what she gives you, and hopefully more. Without performance, generosity is useless and without generosity, performance is useless.

Sex is no longer just about men, but a lot of men still think it is. They don’t necessarily think it’s just about their pleasure, but they might have a tendency to think she finds the most pleasure in pleasing him. And while yes, it is always (or hopefully) pleasurable to please your partner, that definitely doesn’t mean women don’t want some for themselves! So, to you men with this selfish sex model in mind, I say: too bad for you, because in this day and age of online hookups, women have so many dudes to choose from that the wise ones – the ones who are worth it – aren’t going to waste their time with some idiot who refuses to return on their investment.

I write this not to be cruel, but because I believe one or two of you need a good wake up call, particularly if you are under 25. Now, having said all this, if you recognize your performance may not be, ahem, exceptional, don’t fret. If you are honest and eager with woman that comes to your bed, I am sure she will be happy to teach you a few things, and soon enough, your performance will match your generosity.

Any questions? No. Good.

February is the worst month of all time. Don’t you agree? Right now, I’m looking out my window as the snow comes down, covering an already dangerous layer of ice. It has been cold for two and a half months, and there is still two full months of cold to come. The sky is permanently gray. The only holiday is Valentine’s Day, which, being the worst holiday on earth, doesn’t really count as a holiday. Now is the time when people search hookups. Finding a hot, warm body to hibernate with is an essential February activity.

However, while adult dating sites may be the most popular way to find women in the winter months, some of you might actually be getting cabin fever from over-hibernation, so if you need to get outside to meet a babe this month, I have a few tips of where, and how you can meet some.

1. Skating

Yeah, bro: skating. Lots of hotties go skating – figure skating hotties go skating They’re flexible. They’re fit. And since skating is considered a relatively wholesome activity, they probably won’t be too on guard should you decide to approach. Simply keep things casual and outdoorsy at first – just be like ‘cool, you must have trained in figure skating – I saw you do a crazy jump’ or ‘do you know if they sell hot chocolate’ inside, or whatever.

2. Snowshoeing

Snowshoeing in urban parks is now a thing. Indeed, I wouldn’t be surprised if we started to see hipsters snowshoeing to their work at independent coffee shops or bookstores sometime soon. Anyways, although it’s getting hip, it’s not hip enough that you won’t easily be able to start a conversation with a female snowshoer. If you’re out in the park and see another snowshoer, it’s still natural enough to be like, ‘hey, you’re doing the odd activity that I’m doing, let’s bond over that.”

3. Winter Festivals

Ok, some awesome cities in the massive country north of us called Canada have pretty rocking winter festivals. From Winterlude in Ottawa to the Carnaval de Quebec in Quebec City, you have several options to choose from. These festivals include stiff drink, good food, and, since we’re talking Canada here – sexy French women.

When people search hookups, they unconsciously choose mates based on a variety of factors. There is also, of course, a conscious element. So, what is she looking for – unconsciously and consciously – in a mate?

Scientists and evolutionary psychologists are still not completely sure why, but here are some strategies women have developed for picking a mate over millions of years of evolution. Warning – you’re not going to be able to fake most of this stuff.

1. Wow – this is a little intense: in 2009, a study at New Mexico State University found that men with the “dark triad” of traits (sounds scary, eh?), narcissism, Machiavellianism and psychopathy, were more likely to have had more sex partners than men chilling outside of that triad. Apparently, studies in several different countries have found this to be true.

Theories on why women dig this shit:

A) Cave woman mating strategy: cave chicks may have perceived the genetic material of bad boys to be higher in quality, so she’d have a quick quickie with him while her partner wasn’t looking, and could be sure he’d hightail it out of there after without messing her long-term romance up.

B) The dark traits are also accompanied by the ability to charm and extroversion, so these men are possible just masters at ‘seducing’ women.

2. Conversationalist Extraordinnaire

Back in the day, it was essential to our survival to build social networks. Women needed to do this for their babies and such, and that’s why they are so talented at communicating even today. Men, on the other hand, were more focused on fixing non-verbal problems and stuff. But, if you’re a dude who has mastered the art of conversation, studies have found that she will definitely feel closer and be more attracted to you.

3. Feminine AND Masculine Mugs

Women prefer both, at different times of the month. When ovulating, they want the masculine looking tough man, when not ovulating they want the gentle, feminine-looking man. Theory? When seeking a short term fuck for the purpose of making a baby, they go for testosterone guy, but at other times, when they aren’t in baby making phase, they choose the guy that seems like he might just stick around and change some diapers.

Us regular people searching hookups must accept the fact we’re probably not going to be meeting any supermodels or actresses on our adult dating website; we will have to be content with fucking mere mortals. There are a group of men, however, that do end up with, sigh, the hottest of the hot; these men are called football players.

Let’s ogle the wives of five of those lucky bastards to make ourselves feel better:

1. Tom Brady & Gisele Bundchen

I hate Tom Brady – he looks like a Ken Doll. How could a man be so perfect? Why did nature give that dude all the good stuff and leave me with a pot belly? I don’t get it! Anyways, I will praise his wife, Gisele Bundchen, probably the most beautiful and sexiest supermodel of all time.

2. Brittany Brees and Drew Brees

New Orleans Saints Quarterback Drew Brees is married to a super hot, super sweet-looking blonde named Bree who is about to give birth to their second child. Actually, now that I think about it, she actually reminds me of Brie the cheese. Yum. I totally want to bury my face in that.

3. Kendra Wilkinson and Hank Baskett

Kendra, one of Hugh’s former girlfriends, has always been a huge football fan, so it’s rather fitting she shacked up with Philadelphia Eagles player Hank Baskett. I’m sure he lasts longer in bed than Hef does – sex burn!

4. Carrie Prejean & Kyle Boller

Carrie Prejean is a total fucking idiot – a former Miss California, she spoke openly against gay marriage at the Miss USA pageant. While I totally hate her for this, she is still sexy as hell. Oakland Raiders quarterback Kyle Boller apparently agrees with me.

5. October Gonzalez and Tony Gonzales

Um, October Gonzales, is not exactly married to the Atlanta Falcons tight end, but they do have a child together and had a “commitment ceremony” back in 2007. October, I think, might just be my favorite on the list. She kills me with her sexiness.

Did you hear about ESPN’s Ron Franklin? He was fired. Why? Because he called a reporter “sweet baby.” Um, yeah, not only is that incredibly sexist and ridiculously condescending, it’s also just aterrible term of endearment. Sweet baby. Like a real baby? Is that what you mean? A real, little, sweet infant baby? You want to compare a sexy woman to that? Why?

It’s not the worst I’ve heard. Not by far. Terms of endearment generally make me vomit my breakfast, but some are definitely more horrid than others. When I search hookups online, I make it a rule to never meet up with chicks that use stupid terms of endearment, no matter how hot they are. I’ve been with just ONE girl who made a term of endearment sound sexy; she was always calling me ‘baby’ during sex and it was somehow super hot and always brought me to the edge. But I think it was simply because her sex was sexy and almost anything she did brought me tot he edge. The majority of endearment term-loving women I’ve know have horrified me.

Example One: Genevieve. She was a French chick and she used to whisper ‘ma petite chou’ into my ear when we we’re making out. It was kind of hot…until I found out it means “my little cabbage.” After that it was just a total bone killer. Every time.

Example Two: Amanda. When I called her on the phone she’d always say, “Oh hi pumpkin.” Barf. Am I round and orange or something? I don’t get it.

Example Three: Tanya. Um, this was the weirdest of the bunch. Whenever we were out with a group of friends she’d refer to me lovingly as ‘my ol’ boy.’ I just couldn’t get past how much that made me sound like an aging dog that was about to be taken out back and shot.

And in the end, all these women sucked. I should have known by the way they threw around those dumb-ass terms. Example one cheated on me. Example two wanted to have babies three months into our relationship. And example three slapped me in the face once for talking (innocently) to a woman in a bar. My advice? Steer clear of ladies who use sucky terms, for they are evil or crazy.

Some of the hottest hookups I’ve ever had were with redheads. Redheads are vibrant and sexy and bold. They’ve got a flair for the dramatic, and seeing their fire hair rubbing all over my body makes me super hot. I know I’m not not the only one who feels this way. There are actually adult dating sites now that specialize in redheads.

In a tribute to my love for gingers, I’ve compiled a list of the top five sexiest redheads in history:

1. Christina Hendricks

This woman IS sex. The most beautiful, voluptuous body, skin like ivory and the sweetest face on TV. And then there’s the hair -fire-ginger waves that bounce around everywhere and are just asking to be tousled in the sack.

2. Julianne Moore

Stunning face. Long, dark ginger hair. Stole my heart in Boogie Nights and I’ve never gotten it back.

3. Shirley Manson

Um, hello! One of the most awesome rock goddesses on earth – and hair like a blazing sunset.

4. Rita Hayworth

Oh. My. God. They don’t make women like Rita anymore. One of Hollywood’s original redheads – and probably the finest. The fucking sexiest head of fiery red waves, and the ability to make men fall to her feet with just one toss.

5. Gillian Anderson

X-Files. Oh, damn, I could do many, many x-rated things to this woman.