People Search Hookups

“I’ll find you on Facebook.” These words have changed my life and are representative of how Facebook has forever altered the way people search hookups.

We can have sex and leave the next morning with the promise of a Facebook add without ever having to move beyond just that. Yes, we can add a woman on Facebook, just as we said we would, but it doesn’t mean we have to write them a message, call them or invite them out on a date.

Because I am a deliciously lovely gentleman, I always send a woman a message expressing my gratitude for the evening, even if I do not wish for anything more. If the woman in question does push for more, Facebook allows you to turn her away gently and without the stress of being put on the spot. Hearing that painful silence after a “I”m not interested” on your stupid Blackberry 800 is fucking brutal.

Of equal importance is our ability to use Facebook when we ourselves are afraid of rejection. I have found women online after leaving without even being able to spit out the words “I’ll find you on…” upon leaving, simply because I was too afraid she’d say, “No, Don’t Add Me. Don’t ever contact me again.” I would rather read those words as black letters on a white screen than hear them directly from the mouth of a beautiful woman.

And last but not least in my uncharacteristic expression of Facebook loving, I would say that the time-sucker also allows me to demonstrate certain aspects of my personality that a telephone conversation wouldn’t, thus helping me impress women who wouldn’t normally want to see me again. If she sees I have the ability to write quite the epistle with quite the vocabulary, she might want to take me out on a date to that pretentious Cajun restaurant on the upper side of town. Right?

Do you remember the term ‘chick magnet’? I do. What a wonderful term. We should bring it back. You know why? Because chick magnets still abound. They are lurking in our basements, hiding in our closets, sitting in our back pockets. It’s the holidays. Pull ‘em out. Watch the panties fly. Get your tinsel on. Here’s a list of my top five (all vigorously tested of course.)

1. Puppy, Puppy, Puppy

Puppies totally work. Girls wanna touch and love puppies because they have those mushy-mush faces and those ‘love me’ eyes that get girls all confused into thinking that maybe you’re also some kind of big puppy. Even if you’re an ugly motherfucker, if you have an ugly-cute dog, like a pug, they think you’re ugly-cute, too. Having a puppy also tells them you are capable enough to be able to put food in a dish once a day, which means you might be capable enough to do lick them to orgasm.

2. Guitar

Ok, this one is a bit tricky. Guitars always work, but the type of guitar you have determines the type of girl you’ll attract. Some women hate that granola, campfire shit and will run away from your you and it faster than the dudes running from the country folk in Deliverance. Some love it, of course, but others want the electric shit. Indeed, I’d say electric is always going to be the safe – if expensive – choice; the truly sexy girls always go electric.

3. Hot Girl Friend

That’s girl friend, not girlfriend. Seriously, this works. If she sees you platonically hanging with a hot girl, she’s going to want to bang the hell out of you. I don’t know WHY this works, but it does.

4. Hockey Stick

Chicks dig hockey sticks, because hockey dudes are hot. They’ve seen you out there on the ice slamming those other dudes against the boards and as much as they pretend they don’t care about that caveman shit, it actually makes them jizz in their winter jeans.

5. Canvas/Art Portfolio/Camera

Art supplies! Yup. Any of the above will do the trick. Women want to make sweet porn with artists, because they know artists know how to – and are ardently inspired by – beauty, which translates to a voracity for their beauty in the bedroom. And in case you didn’t know, voracity is hot.

I love sexual experimentation, in fact, I believe there is nothing better than a hot sexual adventure, and I’ve had many of them. Exactly. This is why there I feel confident enough to give you a list of three things you just absolutely shouldn’t try with a woman in bed. Really. Just don’t.

1. Sex in the Hot Tub

CLASSIC! I know. But it blows. Um, it’s hot in a hot tub. Fucking in one, even on the side of one with your legs in the burning water, is intense. Too intense. I’ve done it twice. The first time, my heart started pounding all weird and I had to stop because I thought I was going to pass out. The second time, my date, an online hookup I’d JUST met, actually did pass out from the heat! That was definitely not sexy…and she was too embarrassed to finish the sex up anywhere.

2. Cum on Her Face (Without Her Permission)

Obviously you shouldn’t do anything without her permission. Obviously. However, in this case, I think you need serious permission – ask her when you aren’t actually in the heat of the moment. First of all, this will ensure you do not ruin the mood if she is extremely uncomfortable (and even offended) by the idea and secondly, it will ensure she is thinking perfectly straight about the act, and not simply saying yes out of frenzied desire to keep things going. The act of cumming on a woman’s face can lead to some very serious emotional issues on her part; make sure she understands this and is fully, soberly comfortable with the idea before proceeding. Don’t be a dick wad.

3. Have a Protection-Free One Night Stand

Are you crazy? This is not experimentation, this is stupidity. Condoms are your best friend – do I need to say it again?

It’s 4 pm. I haven’t had my sugar fix and I need to go on a rant, because I have been reading too much online about the ‘distress’ the American public feels over the separation of Courtney cox and David Arquette.

Really, public, why are you distressed? Why is the dissolution of a famous public union so worrisome to you? Don’t tell me it’s about the loss of morals in contemporary society. Could it be you are distressed because it reflects your own relationships? Because it raises those deep, dark fears within you that say traditional, exclusive partnerships can not endure?

Maybe, beyond that, it is a reflection of your own unhappiness. You have been married for fourteen years now. You wake up and look at your husband every morning and it’s like looking at a bare wall. He, on the other hand, is dead asleep because he was up all night looking to hookup online with some pretty, young girl. He would give his right nut to be able to sleep with some pretty young thing.

You, on the other hand, feel sexually dead. You don’t even remember what sex is, except, the other day in the grocery store when that young clerk brushed by you in the cereal isle and turned and smiled and the simple closeness of his body made you almost crazy with desire. Indeed, you went home and cried for how much you realized you needed to touch another man. And yet, and yet, you stay together. You hear about a celebrity break up and you shake your head. You hear that one cheated on the other, or that both cheated on each other, and you wag your finger and pass judgment in your living room in your reindeer socks.

Well, I’m sick of it. You can stay in your scared little marriages, if you please, but do not pass judgment on others. Do not express distress over celebrity break-ups – rather, express distress over your own relationships. Put your energy where it belongs. Thank you. Over and out.

Many of us who are in the game of online adult dating are cheaters. Or wannabe cheaters. We admit it. We’ve been married for ten years and although we love our spouses, we need to remind ourselves we are still alive (and stave off death in the process) by searching for a super hot, super sexy hook-up – one of those hook-ups full of mind-blowing sex that invades every moment of your day and every cell in our brains. It’s not impossible to find, but it’s hard. Sometimes we need to take a night off from searching and watch a movie for inspiration. Here’s the top three sexiest movies about cheating:

1. Unfaithful

Sexy sama Diane Lane and studdy stud Oliver Martinez accidentally meet on the street and can barely resist tearing each other’s clothes off on the doorstep. They go inside and things get hot as hell. Later, they get heavy as hell when hubby Richard Gere discovers the affair and goes all beady-eyes on Martinez’s beautifully sculpted ass.

2. Legends of the Fall

Julia Ormond goes back to her fiancee’s farm to meet the fam and runs into Brad-fucking-Pitt. Of course, she can’t keep her hands off him or her pussy away from him. They have some nature sex and then Brad gets sick of her. Lots of drama and long man hair in between.

3. The Graduate

Hot older, married woman (Anne Bancroft), younger man (Dustin Hoffman). A sexual affair. A daughter. Need I say more?